By Lynn O’Hearn Wagner
My mother lived in a six-bed board and care facility the last few years of her life. Her roommates had dementia, Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s.
The owner of the home arranged for a hair stylist to visit every week to handle cuts and grooming. I thought at the time, why would someone with Alzheimer’s need their hair styled? Would they even be aware? Well, much to my surprise, these ladies became energized with beautifully styled hair! My mother liked to sit in the chair by the door, so everyone would see her first upon entry, and of course when people came in they gave her compliments. In between visits from the stylist my Mom would ask me, does my hair look okay?
A gal cares about her hair until she no longer breathes!
It was a similar story regarding Mom’s clothing. Since she was growing older and was not as active as she used to be, Mom had a bigger middle than in her youthful days, when she had a wonderful hourglass figure. It was a difficult transition for my mother.
One Christmas a relative decided to purchase her some clothing from the maternity department thinking it would give her more room where it was needed. I’ll never forget the look on my Mom’s face when she heard the word “pregnancy clothing.” She was appalled and didn’t want anything to do with clothing for women expecting children.
Whatever your aging mother’s health and mental condition, I’ll bet she’d be a lot happier and more energetic if you made sure she had regular visits from a stylist and other beauty professionals. The same goes for clothing—your mom (and maybe your dad, too) may not look the same as she did all those years ago, but inside she still feels the same way about her appearance.
By Kathleen Kaiser
I’ve been the primary care person for my 95-year-old mother, over the last ten years. When she was 10, she had a light form of polio, but was not left handicapped by the disease. However, like many people who had similar health issues when they were young, my mother now experiences a variety of muscle problems, especially leg and arm cramps. Doctors are just now making the connection between childhood polio and the onset of certain muscle problems in patients as they reach their 80s
We have told many of her doctors about this and only received prescriptions that did nothing to relieve or elevate the cramping. A new doctor suggested she drink eight ounces of tonic water (like Schweppes) a day. I could hardly believe it, but after three days the cramps disappeared, and they haven’t been back since.
The secret to the tonic water is that it contains quinine, which is known to reduce or eliminate muscle cramps. Of course you must be careful not to let your parent take too much of the substance. Quinine is also a powerful drug (Quinaloquin) that is used in treating malaria, and taking quinine in pill form could prove harmful or fatal, especially in the elderly. Fortunately, the amount of quinine in a glass of Schweppes is about one percent of that found in a prescribed dose of the drug.
So as long as you’re careful and manage the intake, your parent will never have to experience those uncomfortable cramps again. We now have her drink it only three times a week and the cramps have not returned.
Editors’ note: Even though the amount of quinine in tonic water is not harmful, we suggest consulting your doctor before beginning a daily regimen. Additional information about quinine and its uses and possible side effects is available at www.webmd.com.
The following story was contributed by reader Nadeen Green.
Managing a loved one with dementia…
For those of us raised with good values, the realization that it is sometimes “okay to lie” can be long in coming and difficult, particularly when the person we are lying to is a parent. One of the challenges I faced with my mother-in-law came from my need to “always be honest and truthful.” Because I am a lawyer by trade, I believed I would be able to haul Norma from her early stage dementia back through the sheer power of my exceptional (at least in my mind) powers of persuasion and logic. No one was able to convince me that this was not only an impossible task but cruel as well.
When it was necessary that Norma move into assisted living, she was very resistant. She was going to stay in her home until the “good Lord took her.” People wiser than I mentioned that they had transitioned their elder by telling them they had to move temporarily during a “home remodeling project” that never happened. I tried that suggestion, and Norma agreed to move “temporarily” while her home was “fumigated” for termites. I even created an exterminator’s work order for Norma to sign. (Not only lying, I was now forging documents!)
“Temporarily” worked because one of the symptoms of Norma’s dementia was her inability to keep track of time. Each day I told her the work would take “three more days.” This worked until it was no longer an issue.
Yet when she said her parents were coming, I told her that wasn’t possible. When she said she needed to go to their funeral, I told her that had been years ago. At first I didn’t realize that she was becoming angry with me was because I was a source of confusion and frustration. Finally, on came the proverbial light bulb. When Norma wouldn’t bathe, I created a letter that supposedly came from her doctor (forgery added to my sins), telling her why she needed to take her bath.
What is “dementia” to us is “reality” to our loved ones with dementia…we need to embrace and endorse that reality. The next time she said her parents were coming, I assured her they were, but it would be a while because of traffic. When she said she needed to go to their funeral, I told her to go ahead and eat dinner while I made the necessary arrangements. Shortly all was forgotten, but because I showed her that I appreciated her world, it was done without the hurt, confusion and stress.
Our friend Lynn O’Hearn Wagner contributed this vignette that helps us remember the importance of simple things.
My mother was placed in a board and care facility after my father passed away. She had Parkinson’s, which made everyday challenges nearly impossible if she had continued living on her own. The transition was difficult as one would expect. For the next few years, my Mom would experience several emergency room visits addressing falls and infections. It got to the point the ER staff knew us quite well.
One visit while we waited in our corner of the emergency room lined by a cloth divider, I decided to sing my mother her favorite songs to pass the time. Before I knew it we had gone through several musicals, playing “name that tune.” At the end of the song fest I heard another voice, then another joining in from the curtains on each side of us. Three additional patients joined in singing the “Sound of Music,” and even the nurses joined in. The impromptu chorus brought my mother great joy.
Sometimes we forget that such a simple act can bring an elder parent great pleasure and help them, and us, cope with the difficulties that are related to their condition.
One of our readers has submitted a guest column regarding billing services for people struggling with the many tasks involved in caring for aging parents. The names have been withheld by request.
My mother, who is 73, has suffered from an atypical form of bi-polar disorder for the past 40 years. This means she often doesn’t respond to the medications prescribed by her doctors, and sometimes has to be institutionalized for anywhere from three weeks to nine months.
For years, my sisters and I tried to manage her health care ourselves, juggling her living arrangements (we had to move her six times), doctor and hospital visits and prescription needs, as well as dealing with insurance companies and Medicare. As you might imagine, her constantly changing condition placed a tremendous strain on the family—it was basically a full-time job—and after struggling with the weight of all these health care issues for years, we finally decided that it was too much. We began to do research that would allow us to surround our mother with professionals, in both health care and related fields.
One business that has been invaluable to us, and which many people caring for aging parents may not be aware of, is a professional billing service. This is a company that coordinates all the bills from health care providers, and acts as our representative to make sure everything is paid and that services we are billed for were delivered for anticipated amounts.
As you probably know, insurance billing practices are sometimes fraught with errors. For a situation like ours, the avalanche of insurance forms and invoices were almost impossible to manage. Our service provider not only coordinates the bills and provides us with a simple monthly amount due, she works with doctors and insurance companies to make sure everything invoiced was delivered with no duplicate or unauthorized charges. She also obtains refunds, negotiates discounts, investigates and resolves collection notices, and appeals denied claims. Businesses like this are certainly worth their hourly fee to families in our situation.
To find a billing service in your area, I recommend a Google search that includes “billing service” and your city.
By Judy Starkweather
There came a time when I thought that my Mom’s hearing had become so bad that I’d never have a phone conversation with her again. This made me both sad and frustrated. I was sad that our phone chats had come to an end and frustrated that it would now be tough to convey even a simple phone message to her.
There was more than one issue preventing a “normal” phone conversation. First, she didn’t always wear her hearing aids, and if she actually happened to get one or both in that day, this didn’t mean that the batteries weren’t dead! Secondly, cognition became an issue as her dementia increased. Even though she might be having a “good day” in that regard, she would often forget to push the blue volume bottom on the phone we had purchased for her, which was specially designed for the hearing impaired. If her hearing aids weren’t in or weren’t working, she would fail to hear my desperate pleas to “Push the blue button!”
We weren’t really sure that the new hearing aids would help, but the audiologist felt they would. She informed us that we could return them and get a full refund within a month if they didn’t. It wasn’t easy to convince my mother to purchase them. First, they’re expensive. Hers were $5,000.00 and they aren’t covered by insurance. Second, she doesn’t like change and third, at 94, she wasn’t clear it made good sense to spend the money. She said on more than one occasion, “I’m not sure how much longer I’ll need hearing aids.”
My sister, Jean and I finally got her agreement to make the purchase. The audiologist suggested that we get the same type as she had before so the adjustment would be easier. We quickly noticed an improvement in her hearing. We were glad we had finally taken a proactive role to improve my Mom’s quality of life and felt we had succeeded in getting at least some of our sanity back!
Jean also suggested that we add more structure to the maintenance of her hearing aids. We marked every Wednesday on the calendar in her apartment as the day to change the batteries (whether they needed it or not) to keep them working as well as they could. We also made a note to clean her hearing aid filters once a month. We had found that at times, even with new batteries, she still couldn’t hear and found out from the audiologist that it was because the filter was dirty (full of ear wax). These are both simple procedures, but ones that are easy for busy caregivers to forget, unless they’re marked on the calendar!
Ultimately Mom’s hearing and cognition will never be great, but getting updated hearing aids and adding these 2 simple procedures have been a big help. Now she normally hears us when we tell her to “Push the blue button” so there is a much better chance of having at least a short phone conversation!
