Monthly Archives: October 2009

Do Seniors Need Life Insurance?

My mother in law recently retired and was approached by a life insurance salesman who pressured her to “take care of her family when the time came.” But for a senior on a fixed income, is life insurance a good idea?

The cost of life insurance for someone over 65 can be quite high, since the chances that person will pass away are substantially higher than those of a younger person. But even if the senior can afford it, the real question seems to be whether it is necessary for the benefit of the beneficiaries, especially if they are the children of that senior. At that point in their lives, most children are no longer dependents, but are self-sufficient and don’t need for their parents to carry a financial burden to ensure their future.

But many senior parents, despite the change in relationship with their children, maintain a sense of responsibility for their welfare. When offered a chance to do something for their kids, especially when that something is wrapped in the right language, they will take it, no matter what the cost is to them.

In my mother in law’s case, we were able to talk her out of spending nearly $200 per month for the insurance—money that could be better spent on living expenses, travel or even gifts for the grandkids—but it was surprisingly difficult. Mom still felt as though it was her role to make sure we, and her other children, were provided for.

It may be a good idea to review all the insurance policies your parents own to determine whether they are an accurate reflection of the actual needs of both them, and their families. If you decide life insurance is a good option, you might want to shop around using an online life insurance brokerage that can compare multiple rates.

Some general rules when looking for insurance:

  • Get All Insurance Proposals in Writing
  • Don’t Feel Pressured. If your insurance agent is making you feel pressured to make a decision then maybe you need to find a new agent.
  • Understand First, Sign Later. Don’t ever sign something you have not read and understand.
  • Know Who You Are With. Make sure the insurance agent, broker and insurance company are properly licensed—you can contact your state insurance commissioner to find out who is licensed in your state.
  • Obtain Full Disclosures. Ask for a full disclosure of all information relating to the benefits and possible negative consequences if you replace your existing annuity.

Dealing with Dementia

Submitted by Richard Hetzler

I am certainly not an expert on the extremely trying experience of dealing with dementia, but I can share what I have learned. In the last six months of my mother’s life she showed significant dementia, but she was under hospice care at that time. I had visited her at her lunch time, and she was insistent that she had to call her husband immediately. Since she had been a widow for 24 years, I had no idea how to respond.

In panic I found her hospice nurse and asked her assistance. The nurse came with me and we calmly explained that her husband could not be called right now. The nurse then asked who else my mother could call. Mother said she could call her son, to which I replied that I was here. Somehow the need to call someone got transferred to my son. We were able to reach him in California, and my mother talked to him for a half hour. After that my mother was calm. The lesson learned is that, no matter how irrational the request, you never deny the request. The effort needs to be to redirect the request until the need is satisfied.

Moving Your Aging Parent

Contributed by Richard Hetzler

My mother lived to be almost 98, and in the course of her aging my brother and sister and I had to move her several times, from her home to facilities that provided increasingly greater levels of assisted living. As we learned through those years, moving a parent can become a very trying experience.

In moving from Arizona to Dallas my mother was fully capable, both physically and mentally. She had much more than would fit in her new apartment, but stood firm that her long sofa must accompany her. We had to arrange for many things to be moved from the house to be auctioned off. Much of the remainder was loaded onto a trailer and donated to charity. It was difficult for her to watch that, but she accepted the decisions.

A move to Chicago was discussed with her, and she accepted it. She was at that point willing to accept our decisions on most of what was to go, and how the move was handled.

The key is to understand and comply with the parent’s desire to control the move. We had developed a great deal of trust and respect prior to the moves, but there were still difficult decisions that needed to be made. You can advise and recommend, but the final decision must be left to the parent.

“Tough Love” Can Payoff When Moving Your Senior

The following story was contributed by reader Laura Robertson

When I became my uncle’s caregiver, I was faced with making the hard decisions for him – decisions that had to be made but were against what he wanted to do or thought he wanted to do.  Like struggling with having to move my uncle from his home to an assisted living facility.  I beat around the bush, trying to make him feel that it was his idea and tore myself up emotionally.  Nothing seemed to work.

When I finally told him he had no choice and that I was there to help him pack, he accused me of taking him to prison and told me my mother would be ashamed of me for treating him this way!  He told me that I must hate him and that he had never thought I could be such a cold-hearted, hateful person. To think that is the person our daughter called “Granddaddy!”

My husband and I moved him anyway and for the first three, if let me in his apartment at all, he wouldn’t talk to me.  The big time silent treatment broke my heart.  He even stopped eating.  But every day I made the trip to visit and face his loathing, silent stare.  I thought I had made the worst mistake of both of our lives.  We had moved him to be cared for and to give him a chance to have a happier life, but it was hastening his decline.

When I went to his apartment on the fourth day totally distraught, he met me at the door to his apartment, smiling and shaking his head in disbelief as he said “Did you know they will make up my bed for me every day if I ask them to?  And all I have to do is ask and they’ll give me ice cream, too!”   The anger was gone, he stopped talking about going home as much and he dove heartily into the desserts.

We practice “tough love” with our children. The same process can be applied when caring for your aging parent or relative. It can be painful, but there is a good chance that if you persist, things will turn out much better than you imagined.

Editor’s Note:  For more information on moving Seniors from their home, there is a good book called “Moving Your Aging Parents” by Nancy Daniel Wesson. The cost is $24.95 + shipping and can be ordered at http://movingyouragingparents.com.

Keeping Mom in Her Home

One of our readers submitted a guest column for those trying to handle the many tasks involved in caring for aging parents.  Names have been withheld by request.

One of the hardest moments a family may have to face  when their parents get old, is telling them it’s time to move out of their home. That day might come for us, but for now, thanks to the support of her children and modern technology, we’ve been able to avoid it.

My mom has always been able to manage the two-story home plus basement, she has lived in for many years. But as she gets older, her spinal stenosis (a condition in which areas of the spinal cord narrow down, causing pressure on the cord and the adjacent nerves) is making it difficult for her to walk up and down stairs. This condition is exacerbated by problems with her heart.  We heard that in cases like this it’s helpful to install a stair chair or stair glide.  This is a device in which the person sits in a chair that glides up and down along a metal rail attached to the stairwell wall, thus providing comfort as well as safety.

Our preference was to install 2 stair chairs, one to the basement where the laundry and food pantry are located, and the other up to the second floor where bedrooms are located.  We got lots of resistance but after a hard sell on our part, Mom relented, at least partially.  She conceded to one stair chair from the first floor to the basement.  Thankfully, she liked it.  It allowed her to continue her normal daily routine.  But she was adamant that we not install one from the first to second floor.

After she fell in the kitchen one day, we decided it was time to take the next step to insure her safety, as well as her quality of life.  Again, the stair chair to the second floor was strongly resisted.  Her fear? That it would detract from the look of her beautiful home for visitors who came in through the front door.  Her underlying reason, we suspected, was that the installation of this second chair was one more unwelcome indicator of age and dependency.  Again we met her resistance with respect and common sense.  Her ability to stay in her home has to come with some accommodations.  Mom’s health and safety are simply too important.  Our family made the decision and purchased the second stair chair over her objections.

To be honest, the day it was installed I was nervous about going to my mother’s house. But  when I got there I found out that she’d already used the lift three times! And because it was so helpful to her, she began to think that it was not that bad-looking after all.  But best of all, it has paved the way for any future amendments to the home as her needs evolve.  Next time may not be so hard.

Note: Stair chairs usually cost two thousand dollars or more to purchase and install. Some do come with color coordinated rails instead of chrome, to match the décor of the home, but this detail can add several hundred to more than a thousand dollars more to the price. In most cases these devices are not covered by insurance or the government. For more information, do an internet search using the key words “stair chair,” “stair guide” or “stair lift.”

Alzheimer’s vs Dementia – A Layman’s Explanation

Since my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s three years ago, many friends and acquaintances have asked me if I can tell the difference between Alzheimer’s and dementia.  Some have even described their own actions to see if I think it might be the beginning signs of Alzheimer’s.  I can only respond based on my personal experience and research.

Through research, I found out that dementia is a term used to describe a group of brain disorders that includes Alzheimer’s. These brain disorders generally cause memory loss and make it harder to carry out daily tasks.

Alzheimer’s disease is the most common form of dementia. According to the Alzheimer’s  Association, as many as 5.2 million people in the U.S. have the disease. Alzheimer’s attacks the brain, slowly killing different parts until it finally affects a crucial body function that results in death.  It affects each person differently, attacking different parts of the brain in different ways and on a different schedule.

More than memory loss, my family first noticed a change in my mother’s behavior.  Yes, she forgot things, but more importantly she stopped doing the things she took pride in and loved to do.  She stopped gardening and cooking, two of her most extraordinary talents.  She stopped cleaning the house and washing clothes, as though she could no longer see when something needed attention.   She lost her thirst for knowledge, stopped reading the paper and lost her ability to have a good conversation.  So to us, the fact that she forgot what happened yesterday became secondary to the dramatic changes in her habits, hobbies and love of life.

She was a gourmet chef, yet she quickly deteriorated to not even pouring herself a glass of milk.  Her garden was spectacular but she lost all interest.  She used to be the life of the party and made everyone feel at home, but she became scared of the unknown and people she didn’t recognize.  Where she used to exercise and pride herself on being 5’2”, 105 pounds and a size 6, she is now 5’2”, a size 14 and forgets that she used to swim or walk up to five miles a day.

Again, this debilitating disease affects each person differently and my family still has a few things to be thankful for… Mom still remembers all of us (children and grandchildren), loves to be loved and continues to play the piano with gusto.  On the downside, she still corrects our grammar, pronunciation and now swears like a sailor!

A Basic Checklist For Managing Loved Ones’ Affairs

By Lynn O’Hearn Wagner

Our friend Lynn O’Hearn Wagner experienced many of the same issues our readers do while caring for her mother. She has compiled the following basic checklist as an introductory guide to caring for aging parents.

1)    Financial and Medical Power of Attorneys – this enables you to quickly access funds and make medical decisions. Without the Medical Power of Attorney, you aren’t allowed to make any changes in medical care or place your loved one in a facility. The parent also needs to specify “Do Not Resuscitate” (DNR) requests.

2)    Placing your name on banking and investment documents. If you have the Power of Attorney, you can do this after your loved one passes away. Try to avoid having to do so “after the fact” and plan ahead (the emotional burden of handling this after a loved one passes is significant).

3)    Medical insurance information and the medications a loved one is taking. You’re the one who will be called to Emergency; the hospital needs this information to admit a patient. In addition, a list of surgeries is helpful. It’s tough to remember everything in a crisis.

4)    Know if there are any survivor benefits (pensions or life insurance benefits). Having the phone numbers of the institutions managing any pensions would be icing on the cake! My Mom was not lucid immediately after my dad’s passing and as a result, wasn’t aware there was a death benefit. In addition, she could not remember the survivor information. It took me several days to locate this data, and it took an emotional toll.

5)    Your parents should tell you where they store important papers such as tax returns, pension documentation, safety deposit box keys etc… My Dad served in a special service unit in World War II; as a result he was entitled to special honors at his funeral service. However, the Army veteran’s group required his discharge papers as proof (luckily, we found the documents). It would have been helpful to know where the documents were located.

6)    Nursing Homes, Board and Care and Assisted Living Faculties: It’s a good idea to create a notebook that summarizes available facilities and choices. You can also add personal notes after you’ve toured a facility.

Send Us Your Financial Stories

Many of you have probably seen the newsstory regarding how millionaire Brooke Astor’s estate was defrauded by her son. The son, who was found guilty of fraud and grand larceny, apparently took advantage of his elderly mother’s Alzheimer’s disease to get her to agree to changes in her will that took millions in cash gifts away from her favorite charities and directed them to him. He was aided by her estate attorney, who was also convicted.

If you’re the adult child of an aging parent who still lives on his or her own, this case may cause you some concern. The elderly, whether suffering from Alzheimer’s or just experiencing decreased mental capacity, are often targets of con artists, swindlers, and even just usually lawful businesspeople who see an opportunity to make some illicit extra profit. Unfortunately, many seniors become confused about complicated money matters, and sign contracts or make purchases that cost them a substantial portion of their savings.

The editors at Senior Care Stories are interested in your input on this issue. Have you ever experienced this problem with your parents? How did you handle it? We’d especially like to know if you have tips or strategies that help you keep an eye on your parents’ finances.

You can comment under this post, or if you have a longer story to relate, send it to editors AT seniorcarestories DOT com.