The following story was contributed by reader Laura Robertson
When I became my uncle’s caregiver, I was faced with making the hard decisions for him – decisions that had to be made but were against what he wanted to do or thought he wanted to do. Like struggling with having to move my uncle from his home to an assisted living facility. I beat around the bush, trying to make him feel that it was his idea and tore myself up emotionally. Nothing seemed to work.
When I finally told him he had no choice and that I was there to help him pack, he accused me of taking him to prison and told me my mother would be ashamed of me for treating him this way! He told me that I must hate him and that he had never thought I could be such a cold-hearted, hateful person. To think that is the person our daughter called “Granddaddy!”
My husband and I moved him anyway and for the first three, if let me in his apartment at all, he wouldn’t talk to me. The big time silent treatment broke my heart. He even stopped eating. But every day I made the trip to visit and face his loathing, silent stare. I thought I had made the worst mistake of both of our lives. We had moved him to be cared for and to give him a chance to have a happier life, but it was hastening his decline.
When I went to his apartment on the fourth day totally distraught, he met me at the door to his apartment, smiling and shaking his head in disbelief as he said “Did you know they will make up my bed for me every day if I ask them to? And all I have to do is ask and they’ll give me ice cream, too!” The anger was gone, he stopped talking about going home as much and he dove heartily into the desserts.
We practice “tough love” with our children. The same process can be applied when caring for your aging parent or relative. It can be painful, but there is a good chance that if you persist, things will turn out much better than you imagined.
Editor’s Note: For more information on moving Seniors from their home, there is a good book called “Moving Your Aging Parents” by Nancy Daniel Wesson. The cost is $24.95 + shipping and can be ordered at http://movingyouragingparents.com.
