My mother is in the middle stages of Alzheimer’s and we are lucky that my dad has the space and means to employ a full-time caregiver to care for her. Otherwise, she would be in a home as her care was too much for my dad to handle.
Our caregiver was not born in the US, but had worked as a caregiver for over 7 years assisting several other families prior to joining our family. The way she acts and reacts to my mother is sometimes an issue as she is much more aggressive and hard on her than any of us can be. But she often gets positive results when we cannot, so we have learned not to judge her actions until we see what happens.
Case in point… Recently, my mother has taken to swearing like a sailor whenever she was upset. It started with “Oh God!” but then progressed to even nastier language. It was getting difficult to take her out in public because we never knew when she would spout off with inappropriate language… and we didn’t want to stop taking her out as it was a good way to entertain her and pass the day.
My family tried all sorts of creative things to curb this behavior, but to no avail. Our caregiver had been on vacation as this was occurring and when she returned she simply said to my Mom “I will bite your tongue off if you swear again.” Now, I could never say that and probably won’t even think it, but it worked. When I first heard what she said I felt it was too strong and too nasty, not the sort of thing that should be said to my wonderful, loving mom. Then I saw the results and realized it had been effective.
This experience made me realize that the best care-giving solution is often a combination of loving family and an outside care-giver. Family may have the love but often don’t have the experience and outside care givers are more detached so they often can employ different methods. Our caregiver’s relationship with my mom is more like a teacher and a student… she keeps her distance so that she can play the disciplinarian when needed.
While I cannot imagine saying to my mom (or anyone for that matter) that I will “bite your tongue off if you say that again”, I do appreciate that it worked to curb a behavior that was unsettling to my family. I learn from our caregiver every time I visit. I may chose not to employ some of her techniques but that does not mean that I don’t appreciate the results.
If you are playing a part in caring for an aging parent, try to share that responsibility with an experienced care-giver. Not only will get some time away, but you may also find that you learn from them and/or find solutions to some of your ongoing challenges.
Submitted by Lisa Cochrane
Does anyone have a suggestion to deal with an aging parent who starts swearing – using words that none of the family had heard used before? This seems to be more common than I first first realized.