For most of my life, one of my mother’s outstanding traits was her ability to socialize with others.  She had an ability to start, or add to, a lively conversation on most any subject and a way of making every stranger feel welcome, every person feel important.

Alzheimer’s changed that wonderful behavior and recently she has begun to just chatter, maybe for attention or maybe as an attempt to be her old self.  However, she now interrupts conversations with nonsensical, repetitive, often irrelevant chatter.  Or in the car, she will just talk non-stop about nothing and everything.  It can be very irritating, so my family tried humor and found that it often works… at least temporarily.

When my mother is chattering non-stop in the car, my brother tells her that he has an Eject-o-Mom installed in the passenger seat and if she continues to chatter he will press it.  She giggles and the chatter subsides!  Ten minutes later, she may be chattering again and he may have to say it again, but she giggles again and is quiet for another few minutes.

When she chatters non-stop at home, Steve tells her that the chair she is in only has a 100-word capacity and if she says more than 100 words, it and she will melt into the carpet.  And she stops to think about that and forgets to chatter for a few minutes.

While this may sound silly, it actually works.  Those with Alzheimer’s have a different reality.  You cannot teach them to modify their behavior – they will forget your teaching.  You cannot effectively punish them, for they often do things unconsciously; they react without ‘thinking’.  Nor will they long remember a punishment or what it was for.

So when I need to reprimand my mom (which can be often), I try to find a funny, nonsensical way to do it instead of using anger (which only makes the matters worse).   And with each activity that I do with my mom, I try to make her laugh at least once.  And as I try to find things to make her laugh, I find myself relaxing and finding more joy in my time with her.

There are lots of things in life to make you laugh or smile, if you only take the time to notice.  That’s one good lesson I have (re)learned while caring for my mom; and one I hope to carry with me for the rest of my life!

In our situation, we were able to move my parents into a guest home on my brother’s upstate New York property and hire a full-time live-in to care for my mom.   This change gave my mom the attention she needed, but also, critically, relieved my father of the burden of being the primary caregiver which was literally killing him, physically and emotionally.

As the plans progressed, my family decided not to tell my mother that she was moving, only that she was going to visit my brother for “a while”.  All of us helped with the move.  My two sisters flew with my mother and their two cats to be greeted in Albany by my brother.  The same day I flew to Chicago to help my dad pack, oversee the movers and say good bye to our family home for over 25 years.

When we arrived in New York four days later, my mother was just happy to see us… especially my dad, her life partner.  When her bed, dresser, piano, sofa and other items arrived a few days later, she was confused but took it in stride.  After all, all her loved possessions – my father, her cats, piano, bed and dresser were there, so this must be where she lives.  She still gets confused once in a while about where she lived, but I do believe we saved her the confusion and emotion of saying good bye to her friends, very good friends.  I don’t believe she would have understood why she needed to say good bye, that she might not ever see them again.  I think, in our situation, that we choose wisely.

I would love to hear your story about moving your parents.  It is never easy.  But I have to say that my father has gotten younger since the move.  At 87, he is much happier and healthier than he was with the full burden of the main care giver for my mom.   My mom, at 82, is still my loving mom…

Submitted by Lisa Cochrane

Our caregiver was not born in the US, but had worked as a caregiver for over 7 years assisting several other families prior to joining our family.  The way she acts and reacts to my mother is sometimes an issue as she is much more aggressive and hard on her than any of us can be.  But she often gets positive results when we cannot, so we have learned not to judge her actions until we see what happens.

Case in point… Recently, my mother has taken to swearing like a sailor whenever she was upset.  It started with “Oh God!” but then progressed to even nastier language.  It was getting difficult to take her out in public because we never knew when she would spout off with inappropriate language… and we didn’t want to stop taking her out as it was a good way to entertain her and pass the day. 

My family tried all sorts of creative things to curb this behavior, but to no avail.  Our caregiver had been on vacation as this was occurring and when she returned she simply said to my Mom “I will bite your tongue off if you swear again.”  Now, I could never say that and probably won’t even think it, but it worked.  When I first heard what she said I felt it was too strong and too nasty, not the sort of thing that should be said to my wonderful, loving mom.  Then I saw the results and realized it had been effective. 

This experience made me realize that the best care-giving solution is often a combination of loving family and an outside care-giver.   Family may have the love but often don’t have the experience and outside care givers are more detached so they often can employ different methods.  Our caregiver’s relationship with my mom is more like a teacher and a student… she keeps her distance so that she can play the disciplinarian when needed.

While I cannot imagine saying to my mom (or anyone for that matter) that I will “bite your tongue off if you say that again”, I do appreciate that it worked to curb a behavior that was unsettling to my family.  I learn from our caregiver every time I visit.  I may chose not to employ some of her techniques but that does not mean that I don’t appreciate the results.

If you are playing a part in caring for an aging parent, try to share that responsibility with an experienced care-giver.  Not only will get some time away, but you may also find that you learn from them and/or find solutions to some of your ongoing challenges.

Submitted by Lisa Cochrane

I recently was told about a creative solution that a friend used when his aging mother could no longer drive. George’s mother lived in an assisted-living facility and she loved the independence and freedom that came with driving herself to doctor appointments and on errands. But George was worried, as he could tell her eyesight and reflexes weren’t what they used to be. When she had a small accident, he was finally able to convince her to give up her keys.

George then decided to sell her car and put the money into an interest-bearing account. He contracted with a local cab company to have a taxi available for his mom whenever she needed it, and instead of billing her, they sent an itemized statement every month to George (including a 20% gratuity). The cab company agreed to use only three drivers so his mom could get to know them. The drivers also agreed to carry her packages and groceries to the door and wait for up to a half hour at her destination.

It was a perfect solution to what could have been a difficult problem. George’s mom still had the freedom to go when and where she wanted and George didn’t worry nor need to take time off work to get her to doctor appointments. His mom even became the hit of the assisted-living facility — especially after she started inviting others to join her on her trips to the local department stores, the grocery and even the theater. Having a taxi available allowed them to venture out to more evening events and dinners.

The money in the interest-bearing account and the savings from not paying for car insurance, gas and upkeep paid for all the taxi rides. His creative solution also kept his mother safe and actually gave her a different kind of freedom — she could now bring along new friends and they could enjoy themselves without the worry of driving home!

Through research, I found out that dementia is a term used to describe a group of brain disorders that includes Alzheimer’s. These brain disorders generally cause memory loss and make it harder to carry out daily tasks.

Alzheimer’s disease is the most common form of dementia. According to the Alzheimer’s  Association, as many as 5.2 million people in the U.S. have the disease. Alzheimer’s attacks the brain, slowly killing different parts until it finally affects a crucial body function that results in death.  It affects each person differently, attacking different parts of the brain in different ways and on a different schedule.

More than memory loss, my family first noticed a change in my mother’s behavior.  Yes, she forgot things, but more importantly she stopped doing the things she took pride in and loved to do.  She stopped gardening and cooking, two of her most extraordinary talents.  She stopped cleaning the house and washing clothes, as though she could no longer see when something needed attention.   She lost her thirst for knowledge, stopped reading the paper and lost her ability to have a good conversation.  So to us, the fact that she forgot what happened yesterday became secondary to the dramatic changes in her habits, hobbies and love of life.

She was a gourmet chef, yet she quickly deteriorated to not even pouring herself a glass of milk.  Her garden was spectacular but she lost all interest.  She used to be the life of the party and made everyone feel at home, but she became scared of the unknown and people she didn’t recognize.  Where she used to exercise and pride herself on being 5’2”, 105 pounds and a size 6, she is now 5’2”, a size 14 and forgets that she used to swim or walk up to five miles a day.

Again, this debilitating disease affects each person differently and my family still has a few things to be thankful for… Mom still remembers all of us (children and grandchildren), loves to be loved and continues to play the piano with gusto.  On the downside, she still corrects our grammar, pronunciation and now swears like a sailor!

One of the biggest changes to my mom after she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s was that she lost all interest in the many activities that once defined her.   Cooking, cleaning, gardening –activities she once loved, were no longer of interest.  She also lost her once avid interest in reading the paper, watching the news, even reading a good book.   She was only interested in things with a happy ending so children’s movies, plays and activities became our best option for entertainment and stimulation.  Matinees were perfect as that was when she was at best and we could combine it with lunch.

During one visit, I took my mom to a production of a local children’s theater.  We had a nice lunch and then took our seats for the performance.  As soon as sat down, my mom told me she was cold… and I had not remembered to bring a sweater for her.  Knowing that being cold would preclude her (and me) from enjoying the play, I decided to ask an usher for assistance.   I soon returned to our seats carrying a bright red usher’s jacket for my mom to wear.   My mom looked at it and laughed, but happily put it on and enjoyed the play.

We laughed about the Red Usher’s jacket all the way home and she remembered that afternoon for months.  I teased her about the Bright Red Jacket long after either of remembered which play we saw.

Living in CA, I made frequent visit to Chicago after my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.  I would usually pre-plan an excursion or two during my week-long visits for two reasons: 1) To give my dad, her main care-giver, a much needed quiet day at home and (2) to add some stimulation to my mother’s life.

I often selected a matinee as my mother was at her best during the late morning and early afternoon and we could lunch, extending our outings (and my dad’s hiatus) for a good 5 – 6 hours.

As a visitor to the area, I often would select productions in an unfamiliar area of Chicago.  I would print directions from Google Maps or MapQuest and then give them to my mother to read to me as we drove along.  I could ask her to read the next direction to me, to help me look for the street for the next turn, or the number of the exit we needed.  Giving her that little responsibility kept her mind occupied and made her feel more a part of our outing.

I also learned to frame each excursion as “An Adventure”.  If we got lost, if mom got bored or it was taking too long to get there, or if I needed to change routes, all I would say is “it’s an adventure, Mom” and she (and I) would relax.  Using “An Adventure” positioned the day differently… no matter what happened, it was all part of our “adventure”.