Category Archives: Moving Your Parent(s)

Sometimes Hospitals Should Be Avoided

Posted on January 16, 2010 by jpon| 1 Comment

Submitted by Richard Hetzler

There comes a time, if people live long enough, that hospital admission should be avoided. My mother struggled to maintain her independence into her 90s, tolerating walkers and assisted living only when necessary. Once her life was reduced to a wheelchair and skilled nursing care, she did not consider her life worth living.

While my mother was in assisted living, she appeared happy and mentally alert. After a family reunion for Thanksgiving, she developed a urinary tract infection that sent her to the hospital. She was there for two weeks, then released to a skilled nursing facility, with the goal of returning to her assisted living apartment.

The two-week stay in the hospital took more out of my mother than she could recover from. The time with no mobility exaggerated her arthritic condition to the point where walking again was impossible, even with assistance from a physical therapist. She returned to the hospital twice more with urinary tract infections, but never recovered the strength that she had prior to those admissions either. I now believe that the repeated hospital stays caused her to lose her ability to walk, and eventually the desire to live.

It was only through hospice care that we were able to stop the hospital admissions, which were counterproductive in her case. I would strongly recommend that anyone in a similar situation utilize hospice care to avoid hospital admissions for elderly relatives.

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Posted in Care Givers, Elder Heath, Emotional Issues, Family Issues, Hospitals, Medical Issues, Moving Your Parent(s)

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Moving Your Elderly Parent – To Tell Them or Not to Tell Them

Posted on January 11, 2010 by lisacochrane| Leave a comment

When it was time to move my parents out of their home, I was lucky that my father was still very cognizant, able to help plan and execute the move.  But my mother was a different story.  She has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s three years prior and really didn’t connect with reality.  Though she still knew the family, she had lost grasp on the details of everyday life so what do you tell her?  What would easiest for her?  Did she have a need to say goodbye to her long-time friends?  Or would that be more confusing?  Would it be easier to just leave with my dad saying their goodbyes?

In our situation, we were able to move my parents into a guest home on my brother’s upstate New York property and hire a full-time live-in to care for my mom.   This change gave my mom the attention she needed, but also, critically, relieved my father of the burden of being the primary caregiver which was literally killing him, physically and emotionally.

As the plans progressed, my family decided not to tell my mother that she was moving, only that she was going to visit my brother for “a while”.  All of us helped with the move.  My two sisters flew with my mother and their two cats to be greeted in Albany by my brother.  The same day I flew to Chicago to help my dad pack, oversee the movers and say good bye to our family home for over 25 years.

When we arrived in New York four days later, my mother was just happy to see us… especially my dad, her life partner.  When her bed, dresser, piano, sofa and other items arrived a few days later, she was confused but took it in stride.  After all, all her loved possessions – my father, her cats, piano, bed and dresser were there, so this must be where she lives.  She still gets confused once in a while about where she lived, but I do believe we saved her the confusion and emotion of saying good bye to her friends, very good friends.  I don’t believe she would have understood why she needed to say good bye, that she might not ever see them again.  I think, in our situation, that we choose wisely.

I would love to hear your story about moving your parents.  It is never easy.  But I have to say that my father has gotten younger since the move.  At 87, he is much happier and healthier than he was with the full burden of the main care giver for my mom.   My mom, at 82, is still my loving mom…

Submitted by Lisa Cochrane

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Posted in Alzheimer's, Care Givers, Emotional Issues, Family Issues, General Information, Moving Your Parent(s)

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When Seniors Move in with Relatives or Others

Posted on December 8, 2009 by jpon| 1 Comment

Take Steps Up Front to Prevent Disputes

This article was written by Kate White, Executive Director of Elder Law of Michigan. Although it addresses seniors and their families in Michigan, similar occurrences are taking place throughout the country.

The poor economy in Michigan is forcing many families to consider moving in together to save money and provide care for older adults. According to USA Today, US Census Bureau statistics released in September, 2008 reveal a significant rise in the number of parents who live with adult heads of households. From 2000 to 2007 the number of senior parents living with their adult kids rose from 2.2 to 3.6 million—an increase of 67%.

In some situations, senior parents move in with their adult children, in others the arrangement is reversed. Occasionally seniors share a home with other relatives such as nephews or grandkids. And sometimes seniors move in with other seniors, or even non-related younger persons.

While there is often great benefit in having others live with a senior, especially if the others can act as caregivers, disputes can arise even in the best of circumstances. Here are some things to discuss and place in writing before moving-in day.

  • An emerging practice is to use a paid professional mediator or a community dispute resolution center to discuss expectations and record what is agreed upon before making an arrangement to live together.
  • Discuss the house rules and the expectations of the owner about visitors, noise, standard of cleanliness, use of drugs and alcohol, privacy, use of space, and the use of furniture, cars and other items. Clearly define the acceptable and unacceptable and set a process for discussing new issues.
  • If there is an expectation of service for the privilege of living in someone else’s home, the details of the trade need to be clearly laid out. This can be a very important for preserving the self esteem of the tenant and prevent misunderstandings by all involved.
  • Future claims. Sometimes when another person moves in with a senior, an expectation is created that the tenant will be able to stay in the home forever or that the homeowner will leave the home to the tenant when the owner dies. Avoid this misunderstanding by making it clear that the homeowner retains all ownership of the home. A later wish by the homeowner to give the home to the caregiver can be taken care of at any time.
  • Prevent isolation. Just because an older adult may now have someone in the home, social activities and contact with neighbors, friends and family remain important. Friends and family should regularly check in with the senior.
  • Finances. In addition to deciding and documenting who pays for what, it might be worth considering having someone outside the household provide money management or bill payment services if the senior needs help with those tasks. If the caregiver is chosen to handle the homeowner’s financial affairs, having a second set of eyes reviewing the bank records, checking accounts and expenses might be advisable.

While sharing a home can be a comforting solution for seniors, living with another person requires planning and preparation. For help with such planning, consider contacting the community mediation center nearest you. Call 800-8RESOLVE.

Persons in Michigan can call the Legal Hotline at (800) 347-5297, Monday through Thursday, 9-5 and set an appointment to have a lawyer call them back, usually the same day.

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Posted in Care Givers, Elder Heath, Emotional Issues, Family Issues, Financial Issues, Moving Your Parent(s), Safety

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Moving Your Aging Parent

Posted on October 23, 2009 by jpon| 2 Comments

Contributed by Richard Hetzler

My mother lived to be almost 98, and in the course of her aging my brother and sister and I had to move her several times, from her home to facilities that provided increasingly greater levels of assisted living. As we learned through those years, moving a parent can become a very trying experience.

In moving from Arizona to Dallas my mother was fully capable, both physically and mentally. She had much more than would fit in her new apartment, but stood firm that her long sofa must accompany her. We had to arrange for many things to be moved from the house to be auctioned off. Much of the remainder was loaded onto a trailer and donated to charity. It was difficult for her to watch that, but she accepted the decisions.

A move to Chicago was discussed with her, and she accepted it. She was at that point willing to accept our decisions on most of what was to go, and how the move was handled.

The key is to understand and comply with the parent’s desire to control the move. We had developed a great deal of trust and respect prior to the moves, but there were still difficult decisions that needed to be made. You can advise and recommend, but the final decision must be left to the parent.

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Posted in Emotional Issues, Family Issues, General Information, Moving Your Parent(s), Outside Resources

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“Tough Love” Can Payoff When Moving Your Senior

Posted on October 22, 2009 by jstarkweather| Leave a comment

The following story was contributed by reader Laura Robertson

When I became my uncle’s caregiver, I was faced with making the hard decisions for him – decisions that had to be made but were against what he wanted to do or thought he wanted to do.  Like struggling with having to move my uncle from his home to an assisted living facility.  I beat around the bush, trying to make him feel that it was his idea and tore myself up emotionally.  Nothing seemed to work.

When I finally told him he had no choice and that I was there to help him pack, he accused me of taking him to prison and told me my mother would be ashamed of me for treating him this way!  He told me that I must hate him and that he had never thought I could be such a cold-hearted, hateful person. To think that is the person our daughter called “Granddaddy!”

My husband and I moved him anyway and for the first three, if let me in his apartment at all, he wouldn’t talk to me.  The big time silent treatment broke my heart.  He even stopped eating.  But every day I made the trip to visit and face his loathing, silent stare.  I thought I had made the worst mistake of both of our lives.  We had moved him to be cared for and to give him a chance to have a happier life, but it was hastening his decline.

When I went to his apartment on the fourth day totally distraught, he met me at the door to his apartment, smiling and shaking his head in disbelief as he said “Did you know they will make up my bed for me every day if I ask them to?  And all I have to do is ask and they’ll give me ice cream, too!”   The anger was gone, he stopped talking about going home as much and he dove heartily into the desserts.

We practice “tough love” with our children. The same process can be applied when caring for your aging parent or relative. It can be painful, but there is a good chance that if you persist, things will turn out much better than you imagined.

Editor’s Note:  For more information on moving Seniors from their home, there is a good book called “Moving Your Aging Parents” by Nancy Daniel Wesson. The cost is $24.95 + shipping and can be ordered at http://movingyouragingparents.com.

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Posted in Care Givers, Family Issues, Moving Your Parent(s)

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