Judy Starkweather | Lisa Cochrane | Joe Ponepinto
Judy Starkweather is very familiar with the many phases of “parenting a parent,” both from her own personal experience, which currently spans 11 years, and those of many people she’s met along the way. She is passionate about trying to flatten the learning curve for those who are on a journey through the little-known world of geriatrics.
Judy, who lives in Atlanta, has played several roles along this journey, initially as the secondary, long-distance caregiver, when her sister and brother-in-law brought their then 83-year-old mother to live in their home in Michigan after the death of their father. She learned how a move like this affects an entire family. When a fall down the stairs culminated in the need to move their mother to an Assisted Living Home, she was very involved in the search for the right one.
In time, their Mom adjusted well to her new surroundings and we felt we had chosen the right place for her. Then, after three years, her brother-in-law’s job took them to Phoenix. The sisters were now faced with moving a woman who lived in the same town (Rochester, New York) for 83 years and in the same house for 45 years, yet again! Judy decided that it was “her turn” and the family moved their mother to another Assisted Living Home in Atlanta.
Judy attends to her mother almost daily now. Despite her age and declining health, her Mom is still the feisty woman she always was, and presents many challenges to Judy’s attempts to care for her. Several of them led to her idea to compile caregiving tips for this blog and the book she is working on.
She and her sister are currently wrestling with the possibility of yet another move for their now 94-year-old Mom, to a facility that will have a lower caregiver-to-resident ratio, due to a series of falls which have left them concerned for her safety.
For Judy it has been four years of joy and sorrow, and ongoing adjustments to her lifestyle. But she still cherishes her role of accompanying her Mom “into the sunset” and hopes to help others facing the same journey.
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Lisa lives in Long Beach, CA and has owned her own marketing and event planning company for the past 12 years. Prior to branching out on her own, she was the Marketing and Special Event Manager for SCAN (Senior Care Action Network) Health Plan, a “Medicare Advantage” HMO. The goal of SCAN Health Plan, founded in 1977, is to find innovative ways to enhance seniors’ ability to manage their own health and to control, as long as possible, where and how they live.
An advocate of senior independence, Lisa was also involved with the SCAN Foundation for five years before her employment with the company, serving as Vice Chair and Chair of the Board. The Foundation’s purpose was to raise funds to purchase specialized equipment needed by low-income seniors and not covered by any insurance (like a motorized wheelchair or special fittings for the home) that allowed them the freedom to choose to live in the familiar surroundings of their own homes.
In 2005, Lisa began to use her knowledge on a personal level after her mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s at age 79. Both of her parents had been very healthy and active until then, so the change was dramatic. Her father, then 83, became the main caregiver, taking over the cooking, housekeeping, gardening and other tasks that her mother had done. He did well, but his stress increased and his health began to suffer as he dealt with the changes to his “best friend” and confidant. Lisa and her siblings did all they could to support his efforts.
In the spring of 2008, three years after the original diagnosis, a change was needed when her father, then 86, began to show significant signs of stress. He decided (with the family’s unanimous approval) to move into a guest home on her brother’s Alpaca Farm in upstate New York. The single-story structure offered huge benefits: family nearby, no stairs and plenty of room to house a full-time, live-in aide to take care of her mom. Since then, her dad’s health has dramatically improved, but her mom, as expected, has continued to deteriorate.
Lisa’s experience, first working with seniors on a professional level then assisting with the personal care of her mother, has given her an understanding of the unique needs associated with the care of seniors.
Joe Ponepinto is a fiction writer and former newspaper editor who has been writing for more than 30 years. He lives in Michigan and deals with a parent situation common to many adults: his mother lives in Florida, and the long-distance relationship makes it difficult to take an active role in her care as she ages.
Joe’s Mom is 80, and in good health. She is self-sufficient, and also fortunate in that her home is in a community with many active seniors (although not a retirement or assisted-living community). She has many friends and participates in many events, and is sometimes as hard to get on the phone as a busy executive.
But the changes in her life are happening, even if time and distance make them harder to see. Mom was recently involved in a car accident (not her fault and she was all right, although the car was totaled). She also is very independent, and tries to deal with her problems, such as a six-month battle to get Medicaid to reimburse her for hearing aids, by herself. These are the aspects of aging that make it tough to be so far away. By the time we learn of a problem with which we might have helped, it is too late—Mom’s already tried to take care of it herself, but may have paid too much or received substandard service.
Joe’s posts on Senior Care Stories will deal mostly with the implications of long-distance care of one’s parents.
His blog about writing and literature is at http://otnipenop.com.
